I'm not broken, so don't try to fix me

Random ramblings and flights of fantasy

4 May 1961

give hairymonster more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

Well, this here information is all wrong, or at least soooo seriously changed it's not funny. I suppose I should update it sometime.

What am I? Hummm. I'm male, in my mid 40s, I had a shity childhood and early life. I'm supposed to be a computer geek but I'm currently operating large urban transport vehicles (aka driving a bus) because it earns more money. I used to be a graphic artist but I can't draw to save my life and before that I was trained as an offset printer. I have two (usually) wonderful children, KS and RE; a partner Piper who has a journal here somewhere and an ex wife bumponalog who is still a wonderful friend and generally all round good person.

I play roleplaying games (Traveller and Runequest mainly), I've even got my name on some dead trees for it (in 14 point bold italic even). I've written a starship generation program (HGS) for classic Traveller, which seems to have been well received. I'm ***way*** behind on replying to my e-mail and don't often appear online anymore.

I "suffer" from Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka "Multiple Personality Disorder"). Its a long story, but it took many years and many proddings and pokings by people in white coats with many letters after their names to finally come to that conclusion. Its not really a big issue for me now, I pretty much came to terms with it a long time ago. Its actually fun in some ways. Don't like how I became like this (now there's an understatement), but I appreciate the world view it gives me.

I guess that's me.

Infrequently Asked Questions
Its a private (as in with myself) joke, that's all I want to say.

What's the "Gabrielle" etc at the end of your posts about?
Well originally it came from here. I found it funny because I'm a multiple and one of Us is called Gabrielle and she is the one who does most of the posts here. So I kept it as a signature and expanded it so all my alters have one.

Is Gabrielle your core personality?
No, I actually don't have a core personality in the usual sense. What little remains of the original person is very precious to me, but I have no real primary personality.

So some of your alters are female?
No, not really. They're feminine, they refer to themselves as "She". But they are more a reflection of how I perceived women at the time they were created. Other multiples may have a different opinion, but that's the one that works for me.

If some of your alters identify as female, doesn't that make your sexuality confusing?
I believe that unless a person bring the matter up, there are only three situations where a person's sexuality is relevant: If you wish to sleep with them, if they wish to sleep with you, if you are their host and they are bringing another person and you want to know to make up one bed or two. I say I'm bisexual and more than that I don't discuss with anyone I'm not intimate with.

If you're a multiple, why do you usually say I and Me?
Because its a damn sight easier for most other people to understand what I'm saying. Inside We think in terms of Us and We. When I say Us and We its usually a slip of the mind, probably I'm rushed or under stress. If it helps, I tend to capitalise Us and We when I'm using them in reference to myself.

How many alters do you have?
Fourteen, you can find a list here. Once there were a lot more, but over time some merged and some just went away when their "job" was over. Still grieve a little about those I lost.

So some bad therapist made you think you were abused by a satanic cult?
Nope, sorry just bog standard abusers here. Two of them at different times in my life, completely separate. Not a pointy hat, sacrificial dagger or dark hooded cowl in sight.
I have no idea if cult abuse is real or not. I do know that some abusers keep their victims silent through the use of "ritual" elements and some abusers co-operate with others; so I don't find it too far fetched that the two might be combined sometimes. Have no idea how often though and don't really care. I take each survivor at face value and try to help them as best I can from my own experiences, I always recommend newly diagnosed multiples get a second opinion.
If I honestly believe someone has a bad therapist and false memories I will tell them, as tactfully and carefully as possible. Its happened twice. One went away calling me all sorts of names and probably hates me for the rest of their life. I still feel a little sad about that. The other looked deep and agreed. They got help and went on to a healthy life.

Did you get a second opinion on being a multiple?
Yes and a third, fourth and all the way up to twelfth. At least half of those people started from shall we say a very skeptical position. A huge number of other diagnoses where "tried" (including treatment, which was just such fun), everything from schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder to epilepsy. In the end, all were eventually abandoned and everyone came back to multiple personalities. I believe my case is the subject of a number of articles in psychological journals.

So you think multiples are as common as they seem?
Actually no. I personally think its heavily over diagnosed. But since I don't have a large number of letters after my name (and an equally large salary), I have no idea how accurate any individual diagnosis is. So I like I said, I treat each survivor at face value and try help as best I can.

Can I copy X from your LJ?
If its a public post and I wrote it, take freely. If you want to acknowledge the source that's fine. If you don't want to acknowledge the source, that's fine too. I'd rather you didn't pass something I've written as your own, its dishonest and bad for your self esteem, but hey what the hell I can't stop you.
If its not a public post, please ask first. I usually limit access to posts for a good reason. Other than that, same as a public post.
If somebody else wrote it, ask them.

Why did you "friend" me
Normally the answer will be "buggered if I can remember, I guess you looked interesting". Sometimes I follow my friends friends pages, sometimes I search on interests and sometimes I just hit random.

Can I "friend" you
Sure, I'll be very chuffed. I'll even friend you back (though it might take awhile, I'm not the world's most organised person). A lot of the more "personal" entries in my journal are friendlocked. You can find a "reader's digest condensed version" of my life here.

(Last revised 17th August 2006)

Emergency Details at start of journal (1st April 2004 Post).